Halloween is not that far off, you know. Lazybones and I are going as pirates. We even ordered our costumes. He’ll be Jack Sparrow (he has a disturbing man-crush on Johnny Depp) and I’ll be some broad in a very tiny outfit. I believe she is what they referred to as a “scandalous” pirate. Whatever. It’s a hell of a cute costume and it came in my size. I am always dismayed by the sizing of clothes. I’m average height (five-foot-four) and yet most “small” pants are too too long. I don’t see a lot of five-foot-nine skeleton women wandering around, which makes me wonder who those pants are manufactured for, exactly. And when I was browsing the online costume shop for stuff, I was shocked that their idea of “small” was a 7-8.

If I am an average height human female who tends to be slim (but no longer bony)… Why do I have to buy clothes in size EXTRA small? Or worse, in the kids’ section? The tights I bought for my costume are childrens’ “one size fits up to 140 lbs”.

What kind of disproportionate world is this?

I’ve never, outside of my pregnancies, weighed even 130 pounds. And before anyone decides to comment about my “luck”, let me just say that struggling over weight and self-image is not the sole domain of those who are overweight.

I can’t figure out how it is possible for me to be this little. The world has started making clothes for seven foot tall twig women, and their enormous 140-lb kids. What is this, Second Life? (The avatars there are all outrageously large and proportioned like cartoons, think Jessica Rabbit only sluttier.)

I think this is all a plot to make me think I am shrinking.

No, I am not really paranoid. Just AN-NOYED.

If my costume is too big, I will scream.

House to boost GI Bill.

Meh, did I ever tell you about why I don’t even GET my GI Bill?

Maybe I shouldn’t, though, it just angries up my blood- and I have enough stuff causing that lately. To be totally honest with you, I have had even less control over my temper ever since I got home from Iraq, and I realized this just recently. I was not such a raging bitch before. Promise.

Oh and a couple of items I forgot about in the last post-

Second Life: my creative outlet (visual not verbal) is now just a reminder that I really and truly am untalented. Fuck the fact that my blog sucks- I can cope with that. The fact that I make pretty things and no one appreciates it is really what upsets me, because it’s a genuine effort to not be a goddamn angry fire-monster all the time. I am feeling overlooked and bitter about stuff. People photoshop their work (digital images from virtual reality, like photographs but NOT) and get rewarded for their portrayals of Second Life? Not that the images aren’t nice, it’s just that if you photoshop the hell out of it, it’s not a picture from that virtual space anymore, it’s just a pretty picture. I added no effects whatsoever to the two images I submitted to a recent “contest” for displaying the lovely new atmospheric rendering in SL (”windlight”- it makes the virtual world that much more real and SURreal all at once) and was totally overlooked. I take the guidelines seriously and get shrugged off. It’s gotta be a total lack of talent.

Then there’s the worst thing of all.

I can’t figure out how I can possibly afford to fly out and get my oldest daughter when her summer vacation starts. I sit here searching fares, desperately attempting to wrangle dates and destinations so that I can make it to her dance recital and not spend thousands of dollars that I just DO NOT have- and all I get for the effort is a headache and a horrible, heartbroken feeling that I will have to tell her that I just can’t make it there to see her dance. I’ve never seen her dance or play piano at a recital. I’ve seen one video of her performing in a school christmas pageant. I feel like a real shitbag mommy right now.

So now that I’ve unloaded almost all of my angry here, I will apply myself to finishing the dishes so that I can make that food I mentioned before. Already have put a list in lazy’s hands- he came home at lunch, took out that garbage, and looked generally terrible- his face may be purple by the end of the day. Poor lazy fucker.

Not really, but instead of re-writing my post, I want to direct the readership of this blog to my Second Life blog.

Oh boy.