STFMO: Installment #1
I’ve decided to try making a feature for my blog, where I tell you about something that makes me shake my head, shudder, or just plain gag: Stuff That Freaks Me Out!
This idea was born from an unfortunate day I had recently. I was sitting here at my computer, minding my own business, when the Internets barfed up a link about Mr. Tom “Cuckoo-Bananas” Cruise.
Oh hell no, I didn’t click it!
No, no, as always I snorted and giggled and made a passing remark to My Delightful Mister about what a fucked-up nutjob ol’ Maverick is now, and then an idea hit me…
Let’s see just how fucked up and insane those crackpots are.
I sat for several hours (while poor Hubbykins cared for babies) reading various sites, and becoming ever more aghast at the sheer barking lunacy that is this “religion”.
And so, topping the list of stuff that freaks me out is: Scientology.
Basically, it’s a load of crummy boring sci-fi (I mean seriously unimaginative, spaceships look like jumbo jets? Give me a fucking break, L. Ron!) and the premise that these alien essences are infesting our bodies. All of us, yep, we’re full of aliens, and they are constantly running and ruining our lives. So what do you do, when you’re possessed by alien thoughts? Who ya gonna call!?
I’d rather trust characters from a silly 80s movie, incidentally.
But since we don’t live in the movies, you can spend lots of money and the kind scifiologists will hook you up to a glorified bug zapper or something, and talk to you, and find out all your deep seated problems (which are all caused by aliens, remember) and they will assist you in emptying your wallet, I mean, CLEARING these nasty alien whatchamabobbers.
It’ll only cost a few hundred grand.
If by chance you run out of cash and you still want to rid yourself of icky alien spiritual residue, you can become a slave and work long hours waxing cars and building hot tubs for billionaire types like Tom Couch-Hopper and John Transvolta.
You can’t get relief for all your problems by seeing a trained medical professional! They might convince you that this whole thing was invented by a crazy man who took offense when one of them called him crazy. A paranoid, delusional, lying little redheaded man. He really pissed me off by lying about his military record.
Now here’s where I have to make the disclaimer that I can accept that this whole load of guano might be helping someone, someplace. Maybe Tom Cruise would be foaming at the mouth and biting people’s ankles if he didn’t have Scientology firmly holding him in “reality”. Maybe Kirstie Alley would have just eaten until she actually exploded, if it weren’t for the even-handed guidance of this “church”.
But something about a religion made up by a guy who said he wanted to start a religion to make money just strikes me as bullshit.
Stay tuned for more stuff that freaks me out, because there’s plenty.
“Battlefield Earth” is one of my favorite books. I’m probably more pissed about that cinema cancer of a movie they made out of it than L. Ron’s space ghost is. Otherwise, I find every and all of your points to be valid and I bet he went home at night to his space castle and giggled for a few hours about all the money he was getting from the crazies.
Comment by dogpoop — 5 February 2008 @ 1956
Tom Cruise must be destroyed!
Scientology is a religion like I am a real writer.
Comment by Wyatt Earp — 5 February 2008 @ 2323
Um…so WHY don’t they like psychiatrists, exactly? Are psychiatrists in league with aliens or something? And…how does ANYBODY believe it’s real? Invasion of the body-snatchers? Really? (says the woman who believes that Joseph Smith saw God in a forest and who expects everyone to believe it)
Ever since he went off on Brooke Shields and women with postpartum depression (you should take herbal supplements only, and exercise!)…well, that was the first time I had an overwhelming desire to shove herbal supplements into a person’s orifices until they poured out his eyes. Um. Wow, that didn’t come out quite right. I didn’t manage to capture the…violence of my desire. Oh well. He better pray (to the aliens) that he never runs across me in a dark alley.
Comment by wynne — 6 February 2008 @ 241
And, hey–does this mean that Tom was hoping that War of the Worlds would be a way to bring others into his strange sci-fi flock? I wonder if making that movie was a spiritual experience for him…?
Comment by wynne — 6 February 2008 @ 243
(I hated that movie. WORST ENDING EVER.)
Comment by wynne — 6 February 2008 @ 243
“…these alien essences are infesting our bodies.”
Hey, they’re called body thetans. And, based on your snarky attitude, you’re obviously teeming with them. You need to get to a Scientology auditing center immediately. And don’t forget your wallet. Mental wellness doesn’t come cheap.
Comment by John D — 6 February 2008 @ 243
poop: I don’t know how much of L. Ron’s acknowledged fiction works have in common with the bits and pieces of stuff I found online, and as stories go, a big meanie alien solving overpopulation by herding up people and shipping them off to be nuked… well, it could actually be entertaining if I wasn’t so busy being scared at the prospect of it just being a paranoid fantasy that he was selling to people as a religion.
Wyatt: Destroyed? But you’ll release his remaining thetans! Or does he still have any, considering that the more you “donate” the higher you progress across their little Bridge of STARK RAVING MADNESS? Hmm. And by the way, anyone can call themselves a writer- you actually do have to fill out forms and get government approval to be a tax-exempt church!
Wynne: Pretty much, yeah- psychiatrists are evil alien sympathizers or something. I couldn’t really figure it out. And Tom Cruise can counsel me about PPD when he shoots a baby out of his body. He’s an asshat.
John: Oh, I know what they are, and for a small fee* I am willing to assist any “clear” Scientologists in getting theirs back**. It’s a moderately uncomfortable procedure, and one may require professional*** psychiatric help afterward.
*Fee non-refundable.
**No guarantee of mental stability following procedure.
***For additional psychiatric help, see Lucy VanPelt.
Comment by Daisy Dorkelina — 6 February 2008 @ 903
Well, don’t forget that Philip and that whole clan are scientologists…His dad runs a “camp” for troubled kids out in the desert in New Mexico. Seemed more like an indoctrination facility to me. Out there in the middle of nowhere, fiddling around with these kid’s heads..frightening.
I could go on for days about all the crazy scientology shit that went on at his house…
Comment by Dread Pirate Piper — 6 February 2008 @ 1842
Is this the Phil I know? Or yet another Phil?
Comment by wynne — 7 February 2008 @ 2209
Big hairy dork who used to walk around school with a guitar and still lives at home with his mommy?
Comment by Dread Pirate Piper — 7 February 2008 @ 2348
Oh goody, gossip about high school!
Told you you should never have dated him!!! I tried to FORBID you!
Hmmph.
Comment by Daisy Dorkelina — 8 February 2008 @ 825
what
Comment by dogpoop — 9 February 2008 @ 546
well, at least it taught me never to date another scientologist..what a freaking nightmare..
Comment by She Who Must Not Be Murray'd — 9 February 2008 @ 2242
“Tom Cruise come out of the closet!”
Comment by CaptainAmerica — 13 February 2008 @ 2052